I stopped trying to “cure” my anxiety
Fill in the blank. When I feel safe, life is ＿.
For me, that blank is FUN.
When I find myself unable to have fun, I have to ask myself: What beliefs am I holding onto that are keeping me from my true nature?
99.9% of the time, it’s perfectionism. I’m afraid that if I start having fun, for example, when I’m learning tennis, I won’t get good. I’ll run out of money, waste everyone’s time, and never amount to anything for the rest of my life. I guess we’re no longer talking about tennis.
People say that our eyes are the windows to our souls. You can tell when someone’s excited about something by the way their eyes light up. When we see someone we’re attracted to, our pupils dilate to let in more light. This is why people have humongous pupils when they’re tripping on drugs.
The funny thing about drugs is that it doesn’t change who we are; it just suppresses certain parts of us so that others have a chance to come forward. It suppresses the voices of doubt and criticism so that what’s left is pleasure, curiosity, and joy.
The reason why drugs work on us is because we have receptors for them. The reason why we have receptors for them is because our bodies naturally produce the same chemical compounds. Yes, that’s right. You don’t need drugs; you ARE drugs.
Pain and pleasure go together; you can’t have one without the other. When we close ourselves off to pain, we also shut off the fountain of joy. Often, we don’t allow ourselves to feel our pain because of the story we’ve attached to them. We believe that certain feelings make us weak; thus, we refuse to accept them as part of us. But it’s not the feeling that weakens us; it’s the story behind it. Take ice baths, for example. If we don’t interpret the pain as good or bad, it goes away within 90 seconds, roughly how long it takes for an emotion to pass through the body. The more we resist the sensation, the more painful it is. If we can relax and trust our body to do its thing, it becomes a much easier process.
One of the ways our bodies release trauma is by shaking. Animals do it gracefully. That’s one of the reasons why ice baths are good for us—because they force us to shiver, which helps break apart stagnant energy.
Another way to release trauma is through deep belly laughs. See a pattern here? Rhythm helps us self-regulate. Patterned, repetitive motion synchronizes the system. Some examples are walking, dancing, and bouncing on a trampoline.
In boxing, the one who controls the rhythm controls the fight. As an ADHD-er, I flip-flop between pure joy and crippling anxiety on a constant basis. The problem with anxiety is not the feeling itself but the stories created from it. “People think I’m weird.” “I’m not welcome here.” “They’re being nice, but they actually hate me.” Even though chances are, the people I’m afraid of have the exact same thoughts about me.
I see every animal as my friend. That’s because an animal has never yelled at me. Even if a dog tries to attack me, I don’t take it personally because I know that dogs inherently love me. But if a human acts slightly cold towards me, I analyze it for days on end even though it’s likely that it had nothing to do with me.
I’ve been experimenting with different levels of effort in the way I dress and do my hair to see if that makes a difference in how people treat me. I have reached a conclusion: People give zero f***s about how I look. They don’t even care how good my tennis game is. The only reason why they ask about it is because they think I care. If I’m in a good mood, people are relaxed around me. If I’m feeling anxious or insecure, they pick up on that in a way that triggers their insecurities. It’s like an Uno Reverse card in a game of social anxiety.
Thus, the best thing I can do for myself and the planet is to keep myself happy because when I’m happy, everyone is happy. I used to joke that the patriarchy doesn’t exist because who’s winning, the gender that makes more money or the one who gets half while doing nothing? In our society, men are expected to be strong and capable and to provide for their families. The only thing God expects from me is to love myself and be nice to people; granted, I’m still working on the latter. I know I’m not the nicest person because I’ve never had a toxic ex, which would imply that I’m the toxic one. However, I believe it’s a gift because the same energy that goes into being mean can be used to bring healing. It’s like the saying, “With great power comes great responsibility.” The constant flip-flopping between highs and lows makes life a bit chaotic, but there’s something beautiful about being able to occupy the extremes. Like a pendulum, the swinging creates the momentum needed for the next movement. If we embrace our pain, it releases into pleasure. The more pain we can take on without identifying with it, the more light we can let in. As Kanye sings it:
I want all the rain, I want all the pain
I want all the smoke, I want all the blame
Without my anxiety, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be the sensitive, empathic person I am today. If I could speak to my anxiety, I’d let her know that she’s safe with me:
We can cry if we want to,
We can dance if we need to
I shall be your friend,
‘til death do us part
