The Art of Cold Approach: Dating Strategies & Evolution of the Sexes

The first and only rule of cold approach: If you need permission, you don’t have it. 

I love being picked up - anywhere, everywhere, no matter what I’m doing. Getting approached makes my day; it fills my cup, and it’s one of my favorite things about life. 

I have noticed a distinct discrepancy between the approach tactics of men from different age brackets. Gen X avoid showing their true intentions until the very last second. They try to establish a connection using shared interests such as hiking or board games. They rely on familiarity to gain trust and will offer opportunities to spend time in non-romantic contexts despite having romantic intentions. Millennials are more likely to make their intentions known with date ideas like coffee or drinks, and because they’ve been exposed to dating culture, they look for inherent compatibility instead of trying to create it. Although I haven’t had much experience with being approached by guys ten years younger than me, from what I’ve seen, Gen Z is an entirely different breed. They are the most likely to pull a bold move, invade my space, and make a fool out of themselves for the sake of play. 

In Imperial China, marriage was a strategy used to form political alliances. While the princes become high-ranking generals who defend their country in battle, the princesses get married to enemies too powerful to defeat. Imagine having p*ssy so good that you keep innocent people from dying. Sadly, no credit is given to wars that were never fought. 

Compatibility as a concept has also evolved. If I married someone from the same hometown in China as me, my parents would be ecstatic even though, to me, it would feel like we’re related. The millennial view of compatibility is that it has less to do with our familial backgrounds and more with our personal values, goals, and lifestyle habits. But when we look at the sole purpose of sexual reproduction (i.e. procreation), there’s something our gut knows that extends beyond culture, social structures, and even religion. When we reproduce, so do our bacteria. A study showed that women preferred the body odors of men whose microbiomes differed the most from theirs. To anyone saying they abide by traditional values, how much more traditional can you get than bacterial logic? 

Gut excitement is our life force energy communicating with us. Strategy is just intuition summarized into words. The problem is that by the time a strategy makes it into words, it no longer corresponds to the present moment. A guy who uses the same tactics on every girl is the equivalent of a fighter who throws the same punches every time he steps in the ring. Like the greatest moments in sports, the best cold approaches are spontaneous discoveries made while the game is in play.

The ability to respond to the moment at hand unlocks new levels to the game of life. That is the telltale sign of a great athlete. If I see a guy looking at me, trying to decide if he should come talk to me, I will walk away. A good hunter doesn’t let his prey see him before making his move. Similarly, I don’t value approaches where I’ve already seen the person a bunch of times because you can’t be a lion and take three weeks to approach your meal. 

Mating is instinctual. A study showed that successful hunting elicits increases in testosterone and cortisol, similar to the effects of successful competition in contexts such as sports, competitive games, and even psychological tasks. Despite what modern feminists say, women love being hunted. It’s part of their power. This predator-prey dynamic between men and women is the driving force behind the evolution of our species. 

If we view dating as a game, maybe the goal isn’t to win but to find a game worth playing. No matter where you are or what’s happening around you, there is always a game to be played. Little kids know this. Play is their nature. What stops us from playing, as we age, is suppressed emotions, when we demonize certain emotions and don’t allow for their expression. Little kids don’t fear feelings. A little kid can cry their heart out over spilled gelato and return to playing the minute after. 

To understand play, it helps to understand its opposite. Much like how the opposite of ease is dis-EASE, the opposite of play is dis-PLAY. It’s trying to live up to an identity. When you feel like nothing is going your way and all your efforts are pointless, see if you can release your expectations. Bring your focus to the current moment. Get curious about the sensations within your body. Do this enough times, and you won’t need strategy because you will be flowing with the current of creation. 

Play is inherently unpredictable. If success was guaranteed, it wouldn’t be a game. When you engage with the universe through play, something mysterious happens. The rules start to change. The walls you thought were solid start to morph. Before you know it, you’re playing a completely different game than the one you started with. God loves to throw curveballs. Quantum physicists are too familiar with this feeling. As a result, you have no choice but to abandon everything you’ve learned and become a little kid again; hence, a wise man once said, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.”