How to not be gay
Going to the same cafe every day is pretty gay. It’s like, “Ew, why do you like it so much?”
Other things that might be gay:
Waterslides (too slippery)
Two shirtless guys staring at the same menu (true story)
Worshiping another man and wearing the implement he died on as a symbol of your love for him
Pickleball (I’m sorry but it’s in the name)
As a girl, it’s impossible to be gay. I can worship a male God or a female God. If I worship a male God, I don’t have to work. If I worship a female God, I’m a girl’s girl.
There are virtually no downsides to being a woman.
I know what you’re thinking. But about the patriarchy?
To be honest, I still don’t know what that means. I worked as a female engineer for four years and never got paid less than my male colleagues even though I did less work. I wouldn’t call myself a diversity hire. I simply made use of the fact that no one wants to say no to a pretty girl.
Being pretty is the best life hack. It’s not everything, but imagine having the exact same set of problems plus a receding hairline. That’s why I never complain. God is like a black mother. If you complain, she’ll give you something to complain about. That’s assuming, of course, that God is a woman, and I would never assume someone’s gender.
Being gay isn’t a bad thing. What’s bad is not being true to yourself. If you’re gay, be gay. If you’re autistic, be autistic. I recently took a quiz that said that I had a high number of autistic traits. I’ve had this conversation numerous times with ex-boyfriends. I would tell them that I was autistic, and they would insist that I wasn’t and that I was just plain psycho. Well, joke’s on them. I can be both.
“Autistic” is only one letter away from “artistic.” There are a lot of similarities between the two if you think about it. Both are good at shapes and colors, both have peculiar tastes, and both live in their own imaginary worlds.
Confidence is the difference between being gay and being cool. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you have conviction. If you want to take a nap, do it with conviction. If you hesitate or are embarrassed about it, that’s when you seem unattractive. When you have conviction, everything you do looks cool. I’ve seen posts from women that say, “I aspired to have the confidence of a mediocre white man.” I aspire to have the confidence of a 5 lb house cat. The ability to slap a bear across the face is my version of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***”. Just look at this little guy. He weighs more than 5 lbs, but don’t tell him that. Being the guardian of secrets is hard enough as it is.
