Biohacking
I use one of those red light therapy baseball caps for growing my hair, but I put the hat on backwards to feel cool.
“Age is nothing but a number,” is what old people say.
If I needed to do a cold plunge, I’d look inside my heart. I make sure to get enough blue light during the day so I have enough energy to post memes at night.
I’m technically 31 years old, but my biological age is much younger. In fact, I have the same diet as an 8-year-old kid: I don’t eat vegetables unless it’s on pizza.
That’s a lie. There’s no such thing as a vegetable. Everything you think is a vegetable is actually a ploy invented by Big Veggie to get you to eat things that don’t taste good.
I once attended a tasting event for this brand new restaurant. I only went because they were offering free food. I had no idea it was a vegan restaurant. When I told the owner I didn’t eat vegetables, he looked me up and down with judgment. I think he was trying to work out the math for how I have the body I have while eating a diet he considers unhealthy.
I guess I burn a lot of calories by being awesome?
I was at this biohacking dinner/presentation last week. It was so boring that I started microdosing margaritas. Eventually, the microdosing led to micro-dozing, and I put my head down on the table to take a nap. Unfortunately, it was a small group of people, and we were all sitting at this one long table directly in front of the presenter, so that was enough for him to stop the presentation and go, “Looks like she’s falling asleep.”
My friend helped me apologize afterwards, but still, I felt bad. No one deserves that after 45 minutes of talking about statistics.
To be fair, I hadn’t slept well the night before. I think the moon was taking revenge on me for making fun of it. But what’s a story without fun? Statistics, apparently.
Speaking of statistics, this one blew my mind: Japan has the highest percentage of people over 100 years old. Is that because Asians can’t drive? See, I can say that because I can’t drive either. It’s not that I can’t learn; I just prefer to put my skill points towards more practical endeavors such as video games and karaoke.
I used to hang out with friends who liked to do drugs, and it was fun because we would bounce from one activity to another. I even wrote a poem about it:
Chilling on a Sunday
We playing Jackbox
Hanging with my friends
Doing coke on the countertop
In my opinion, the best biohack is enjoying life. It’s coming back to our childlike nature of play. It’s easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyday life that we forget that we are here to have fun. When we’re having fun, our bodies emit biophotons, which is where the term “lit from within” comes from. There are people walking around with red glasses but no life in their eyes. I’m not trying to hate on anyone’s lifestyle habits. Maybe there’s a way to stop aging altogether. Maybe I’m a boomer. I don’t use ChatGPT, and I still write on the same refurbished Macbook Pro I bought in 2015. They say that men age like fine wine. I age like the iPhone 6. The battery life might start to decline after a while, but the proportions will always be perfect.
