When is it the moon’s fault?

Astrology is the new religion. Human design is the new astrology. When Mercury goes in the microwave, I take it as an opportunity to act like a psychopath since there’s so much chaos in the world already that no one will ever suspect a thing. 

Mercury is where everyone in the service industry reaps their vengeance. For nine weeks out of the year, technology does the dirty work of every cashier, airline ticket agent, and customer service representative. You can’t get mad at technology because it’s not a real person. It doesn’t have a conscience. It doesn’t know how to say “thank you” (except for this cute little guy right here). 

I feel better about spending money when my receipts have repeating numbers. You know you’re on the right path when the drugs weigh 11.11 grams. 

This week, we had our full moon in Pisces. Apart from waking up in the middle of the night and turning into a werewolf, I barely noticed it. That’s one of the advantages of being neurodivergent. I know my bipolar-ness has nothing to do with the planets because the voices in my head said so. There’s a beautiful quote from a book I can’t remember the name of that said, “When a baby takes their first breath, they breathe in the energy of the whole cosmos.” I wonder if that’s why babies start crying right as they come out of the womb. 

I heard a rumor that the royal family gets C-sections to make sure their babies are born on particular dates. I’d rather just lie to my kids. It’s not like they’ll find out anyway, especially if they’re a Libra. 

In case you’re wondering, I’m either a Capricorn or an Aquarius, depending on which system of astrology you’re using. In the typical Western system, I’m an Aquarius, but in the Vedic sidereal system, which uses the precise location of the planets, I’m a Capricorn sun. It’s confusing not knowing which is right because I don’t know what type of crazy I need to be. Do I need to be stubborn and strong-willed or independent and aloof? 

Without a clear sign, I decided it was safest to be both. The voices in my head agreed as well, and we lived happily ever after in a big old castle with our werewolf friends. They’ve never been to the moon, but then again, has anyone? I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I just don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up. I don’t want to tell my kids to shoot for the stars in case they miss and find out that the moon is nothing but a holographic projection created by NASA. I like to keep fairy tales going for as long as possible. Life doesn’t work that way though. There is no happily-ever-after because there is no after. You can’t wait for the story to be perfect before being happy. The perfect story is the one occurring right now, and much like LAX, it will never be finished.