Why I don’t use dating apps (and how I get approached)
Why is it always “the feminine urge to plant a garden” but never “the feminine urge to eat cheese and crackers in bed while binging on YouTube shorts?”
How come Rory Gilmore had three stable boyfriends who treated her like royalty while Marissa Cooper, Serena van der Woodsen, and Brooke Davis all had streaks of challenging relationships filled with drama and scandal?
When it comes to love, there are two voices running through my head. One is the hopeless romantic—we’re talking fairy tales, long walks on the beach, winters in Vermont, summers in Colorado; the other says, “This is a virtual reality game, and I’m trying to see the source code.”
As a girl, I don’t believe in approaching guys because either I will end up with a guy who didn’t want to approach me or a guy who couldn’t, neither of which is of any value.
Similarly, I find that dating apps are a game not worth playing. Dating apps remove some of the risks of approaching. If you see a girl on a dating app, she’s more likely to be open to being hit on. Plus, you have plenty of time to craft the perfect opening whereas in real life, you may only have a few seconds before she walks away.
The universe is constantly seeking balance. You can’t turn the knob on risk without affecting the reward. Some AI startups can help people talk to someone they matched with on Tinder, but is it a real conversation if you remove the risk?
In the book “Is This OK?” by Harriet Gibsone, the author reminisces about her obsession with chat rooms, Internet stalking, and finding romance online. Social media has skewed the risk-reward ratio of human connection because you can learn everything about a person without giving away any information about yourself. I recently learned that a guy liking a girl’s Instagram story is his way of shooting his shot. While I admire the boldness, I wouldn’t want my kids to learn that they were brought into this world by a virtual little heart.
There are a bunch of different mini-games you can play when it comes to dating. It’s best to pick the one that feels the most natural for you. For me, that’s getting approached in real life. I love getting approached, and I’m a natural responder. It’s difficult for me to initiate contact, but if I’m approached, my gut instincts take over, making the interaction effortless.
Although not always the case, I get approached the most when I’m happy. Here are some examples of what I was doing right before getting approached:
Shitposting on Instagram
Walking home from playing bocce ball
Petting a dog
Shopping at a mall after just having bought my Maria Sharapova book and Inner Game of Tennis book
Singing in an Uber with the windows rolled down
Taking pictures of the sunset
Throwing rocks into a trash can at a waterfall
The more approaches I get, the more I am convinced that I am creating my reality. Even though they come as a surprise, the approaches seem attached to my mood and my enjoyment of the current moment. I like real-life interactions because of the shared vulnerability. When you look into someone’s eyes, you reveal your whole hand. There’s nowhere to hide. In that brief moment, you see the innermost parts of your soul reflected back to you. To me, that’s a game worth playing.
